Self Portrait Friday: Inner Workings

I think I may miss almost all of October this year. At least it feels like that…

It feels like I have been spending too much time doing things with deadlines hanging over me.

It's like being trapped, somewhat… 

It's the bed I've made for myself I guess…

It's kinda rainy and cool outside - too overcast for my taste…

And in the last few weeks I feel like I'm being pulled in many directions, and I'm about to hit a wall...

I don't know what is going on right now in my family with our blood (me, my dad, my grandma), but I'm not too thrilled about it. I hope it's all just the normal: hey, you got to eat better and exercise type stuff...

I've been skirting around keeping track of what I have been eating with Weight Watchers, and have decided that this IS the week that I have to get back onto it. Seriously - tracking points makes you really look at what you are shoving down the pie hole. And it's time to look at that again and get back to it.

My triglycerides are high. So I am cutting out all the snacking on sugary and carb snacks and fitting in more veggies and fruits. I am drinking more tea than coffee this week and loading up on the water like normal. Also switching some medicines to lower the estrogen I am receiving to see if that also can help lower my numbers some.

It's funny how before I wanted to lose some weight in order to feel better about myself and feel comfortable in my clothes. And now that I have kids, it is more of a focus on what is going on metabolically and how I can better take care of myself in order to be around for as long as possible for my little ones and for my husband.

I look at my dad and my grandma - who both have blood clot issues in the last year and I think of how much I want them to be in my life for as long as possible. I'm not ready to lose either of them or lose time and experiences that we could share. It's a bugger getting older, especially when things like this slide (or is it genetic?). I think that it hit me that my dad probably won't be able to go on any more roller coaster rides with us. And up until last year when my grandma had blood clots discovered, she was still going on roller coaster rides too… 

And not that roller coaster rides are really that important, but it's more of the things in life that come along with not being able to get on one that is scary…

Off to snack on a Honey Crisp Apple…

I heard they are delicious!

Self Portrait Friday: Tolerance...

There are some days where my hormones seem so out of whack…

That I have way too much coffee…

That I am itching to just jump out of my skin…

(need to have more physical activity - maybe kickboxing would be good)

I love this cat. I hate her attitude…

She bites people. She hisses at my kids. She poops on the floor (mental thing - automatic cat litter scooper scared her - like 10 years ago - now she thinks pooping is going to make something come up and bite her in the butt). And now she has started to pee on the floor in the basement. My studio is in the basement. We have teeny tiny windows (none of which open easily or without lots of pain in the butt effort). Can I just say that the ammonia is burning into my brain and making me furious… This is the second carpet in the basement. Some days I'm ready to "take her to the farm"...

But then again… 

maybe not…

There are so many sides to this…

For now, we deal, we clean & clean…

We replace carpets…

But I tell you what… 

The first time she bites one of my kids, that's it…

There will be no more "we need to talk about the cat"…

Because she will be wearing out her welcome - big time…

If she were a dog - she would not be getting away with this.

They don't have the luxury of "having an attitude" and running to hide and sleep all day to avoid human contact unless they are hungry…

They don't bite people many times and draw blood so often and get away with it...

What does this say about me as a person?

I think it puts me right in the middle of things.

Some would tolerate it until no end…

Some would have taken her to the farm a long time ago…

Sorry. My children take priority.

Stop biting, hissing, peeing and pooping outside the litter box and we will be ok…

Ugh!

If she could only understand...

First Attempt At Self Portrait Friday

Blogging and participating in blogging events helps keep me motivated to try new things.
Something I find helpful when working in a home studio and not socializing as much as I'm used to.

I've admired Andrew Thornton's posts for his Self Portrait Fridays (of which he has taken a break from).
The origination of the Self Portrait Fridays comes from Nina Bagley's Blog: Ornamental

 Looking at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize the person that is standing there…

But maybe in a photograph I will...

 Where has this person that I am seeing come from?

 I find that I am rarely in front of the camera.

Somewhat because I'm not happy with my outer appearance.

And I am usually the one with the camera in hand.

So I decided to finally just sit down and take some pictures...

 I can feel the smile - and what that looks like because that one thing I am rarely without...

 And the rolls of fat that have accumulated over the last 10 to 15 years…

I hate the feeling of them, of the sweat accumulated there in the summer…

I loathe summer because of it.

Well, fat sweat and mosquitos...

 But even those, albeit uncomfortable to feel - the fat, not the smile… 

Make me who I am…

At least on the outside...

I am going to try to look inward and take pictures to express that...

The fat is what happens when you become a shell of yourself when overwhelmed at what life throws at you. 

Good (like real Italian food from a family that loves to eat… and eat… and eat)

Bad (losing my mom to Leukemia 3 years ago)

Both Good and Bad (my work selling well = lots of sitting work = bad eating habits & less exercise)

So now is the time for me to look at this person I have become and figure out what in life she wants…

It is a time in my life of great change and many things happening...

Chloe painting. Summer 2010.

I want to paint…

I should take lessons from my two year old daughter on that one…

I actually think I might!

Chloe painting the wall tile at Longwood Gardens.

She adores painting - with anything!

And she is so much like me… 

in the little details and quirks…

And I am so much like my parents… 

qualities of both…

And she is developing the sense of humor & whit of her father…

And he is rubbing off on me a bit too - at least the laughter part…

Dave allows me to smile and find happiness within myself…

He is such an amazing person…

I hope by finding out who I am, and who I want to be - I can help him do the same…

Or at least give him the tools he needs to relax and enjoy life a bit more...